The Official Joke Thread

[ArtVandelay]

Every board needs a joke thread, right? I only belong to one other forum, but I think the joke thread was easily the most popular. I thought I'd try to start one here, because isn't it fun to be able to laugh a little?

So when you hear jokes, post them here. I'm not entirely sure how strict the moderators are on this forum, but I'd think a little self policing could go a long way. If it's too dirty, or you even think it's too dirty, probably better not to post it (then again, i read that one about the horse jockey. that was a really good one!).

After all, this IS a bowling forum. What good are ya, if you can't tell a few to the team and get some laughs going?



I'll see if I can't get it started with a couple good ones.

[ArtVandelay]

A distraught senior citizen phoned her doctor's office.

"Is it true," she wanted to know, "that the medication you prescribed has to be taken for the rest of my life?"

"Yes, I'm afraid so," the doctor told her.

There was a moment of silence before the senior lady replied,"I'm wondering, then, just how serious is my condition because this prescription is marked 'NO REFILLS'."

****************************************

An older gentleman was on the operating table awaiting surgery and he insisted that his son, a renowned surgeon, perform the operation.

As he was about to get the anesthesia He asked to speak to his son.

"Yes, Dad, what is it? "

"Don't be nervous, son; do your best and just remember, if it doesn't go well, if something happens to me, your mother is going to come and live with you and your wife...."

**************************************

Two old guys are pushing their carts around Wal-Mart when they collide. The first old guy says to the Second guy, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for my Wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going."

The second old guy says, "That's OK, It's a Coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too. I can't Find her and I'm getting a little desperate."

The first old guy says, "Well, maybe I can help you Find her. What does she look like?"

The second old guy says: "Well, she is 27 yrs old, tall, with brown hair, blue eyes, long legs, and is wearing short shorts. What does your wife look like?"

To which the first old guy says, "Doesn't matter, let's look for yours."

****************************************

How do you make a sweet, little old lady, say the "F" word?


Have the sweet, little old lady next to her shout, "BINGO!!!"

[ArtVandelay]

A few months ago, there was an opening with the CIA for an assassin. These highly classified positions are hard to fill, and there's a lot of testing and background checks involved before you can even be considered for the position. After sending some applicants through the background checks, training and testing, they narrowed the possible choices down to two men and a woman, but only one position was available.

The day came for the final test to see which peson would get the extremely secretive job. The CIA men administering the test took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow our instructions whatever the circumstances," they explained. "Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her." The man looked horrified and said, "You can't be serious! I could never shoot my wife!" "Well," said the CIA man, "you're definitely not the right man for this job then."

So they brought the second man to the same door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances," they explained to the second man. "Inside you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her." The second man looked a bit shocked, but nevertheless took the gun and went in the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes; then the door opened. The man came out of the room with tears in his eyes. "I tried to shoot her; I just couldn't pull the trigger and shoot my wife. I guess I'm not the right man for the job."

"No," the CIA man replied, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."

Now they only had the woman left to test. They led her to the same door to the same room and handed her the same gun. "We must be sure that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances; this is your final test. Inside you will find your husband sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill him." The woman took the gun and opened the door. Before the door even closed all the way, the CIA men heard the gun start firing, one shot after another for 13 shots. Then all hell broke loose in the room. They heard screaming, rashing, and banging on the walls. This went on for several minutes; then all went quiet.

The door opened slowly, and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow and said, "You guys didn't tell me the gun was loaded with blanks. I had to beat the son of a gun to death with the chair!"

[ArtVandelay]

A young couple on their wedding night were in their honeymoon suite.

As they were undressing for bed, the husband, a big burly man, tossed his trousers to his new bride. He said, "Here, put these on."

She put them on and the waist was twice the size of her body.

"I can't wear your trousers." she said.

"That's right,'' said the husband, "and don't you ever forget it. I'm the man who wears the pants in this family."

With that she flipped him her panties and said, "Try these on."

He tried them on and found he could only get them on as far as his kneecaps.

"Hell," he said. ''I can't get into your panties!"

She replied, "That's right...and that's the way it is going to stay until your attitude changes."

[ArtVandelay]

A strong young man at a construction site was bragging
that he could outdo anyone in a feat of strength. He made a
special case of making fun of one of the older workmen.

After several minutes, the older worker had enough.

"Why don't you put your money where your mouth is,"
he said. "I will bet a week's wages that I can haul something
in a wheelbarrow over to that building that you won't be able
to wheel back."

"You're on, old man," the braggart replied. "Let's see you do it."

The old man reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by
the handles. Then, nodding to the young man, he said,

"All right, Idiot, get in."

[ArtVandelay]

An elderly man in Alabama had owned a large farm for several years. He
had a beautiful large pond at the back of the property next to the road,
and he'd fixed it up real nice with picnic tables, horseshoe pits, and he'd
planted some nice flowers and fruit trees next to the pond.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond to look it
over, as he hadn't been down there for a while. He grabbed a five-gallon
bucket to bring back some fruit.

As he neared the pond, he heard splashing and female voices shouting
and laughing with glee. As he came closer he saw that 5 young women
had parked their car at the side of the road, climbed the fence and were
skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence
and they all went hurriedly splashing to the deep end.

One of the women shouted to him, 'We're naked and we're not coming out
until you leave!' The old man frowned and yelled back, 'I didn't come
down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the
pond.'

Holding the bucket up he said, 'I'm just here to feed the alligator.'

(Old Men Can Still Think Fast!!!)

[ArtVandelay]

When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive....so, I took her to a gas station..... and then the fight started....

************************************************** **********************


My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.

My wife asked, "Do you know her?"

"Yes," I sighed, "She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since."

"My God!" says my wife, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"

And then the fight started.....

************************************************** *********************

I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.

"I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please."

He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"

"Nah, she can order for herself."

And that's how the fight started.....

[ArtVandelay]

A man riding his Harley was
riding along a California beach when suddenly the sky clouded above his head
and, in a booming voice, the Lord said, 'Because you have tried to be faithful
to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish.

The biker pulled over
and said, 'Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want.' The Lord
said, 'Your request is materialistic, think of the enormous challenges for that
kind of undertaking; the supports required reaching the bottom of the Pacific
and the concrete and steel it would take! It will nearly exhaust several natural
resources. I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly
things. Take a little more time and think of something that could possibly help
mankind.'

The biker thought
about it for a long time. Finally, he said, 'Lord, I wish that I and all men
could understand women; I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking
when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she
says nothing's wrong, and how I can make a Woman truly
happy.'

The Lord replied, 'You
want two lanes or four on that bridge?

[ArtVandelay]

Proper Job Placement...



1. Put 400 bricks in a room.


2. Put your new hires in the room and close the door.


3. Leave them alone and come back after 6 hours.


4. Then analyze the situation:

a. If they are counting the bricks, put them in the Accounting Department.

b. If they are recounting them, put them in Auditing.

c. If they have messed up the whole place with the bricks, put them in
Engineering.

d. If they are arranging the bricks in some strange order, put them in
Planning.

e. If they are throwing the bricks at each other, put them in Operations.

f. If they are sleeping, put them in Security.

g. If they have broken the bricks into pieces to see what’s inside, put them in Information
Technology.

h. If they are sitting idle and doing absolutely nothing, put them in Human Resources.

i. If they say they have tried different combinations, they are
looking for more, yet not a brick has been moved, put them in Sales.

j. If they have already left for the day, put them in Management.

k. If they are staring out of the window, put them in Strategic Planning.

l. If they are talking to each other about vacationing and golf and not a single brick has been
moved, put them in Top Management.

m. Finally, if they have surrounded themselves with bricks in such a
way that they can neither be seen nor heard from, put them in
Congress.

[ArtVandelay]

Did you hear about the alcoholic who tried to write a song? He didn't make it past the first few bars.


A pair of jumper cables walked into a bar. The bartender said, "Allright, I'll serve you, but you better not try to start anything."


Did you hear about the cross eyed teacher? She couldn't get her pupils under control.



A group of students in town for a chess tournament all gathered in the hotel's lobby area to talk of their greatest chess conquests. The manager of the hotel told them that behavior must cease immediately. Turns out, he didn't want, "Chess nuts BOASTING by an open FOYER!!!"

[ArtVandelay]

On the first day, God created the dog and said:

'Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years.'

The dog said: 'That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?'

So God agreed.

On the second day, God created the monkey and said:

'Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span.'

The monkey said: 'Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the Dog did?'

And God agreed.

On the third day, God created the cow and said:

'You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years.'

The cow said: 'That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?'

And God agreed again.

On the fourth day, God created man and said:

'Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years.'

But man said: 'Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten
the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?'

'Okay,' said God, 'You asked for it.'

So that is why for our first twenty years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.

Life has now been explained to you.

[ArtVandelay]

A new retiree greeter at Wal-Mart just couldn't seem to get to work on time. Every day he was 5, 10, 15 minutes late. But he was a good worker, really sharp, so the boss was in a quandary about how to deal with it.

Finally, one day he called him into the office for a talk. 'Charley, I have to tell you, I like your work ethic, you do a bang up job, but your being late so often is quite bothersome.'

'Yes, I know boss, and I am working on it.'

'Well good, you are a team player. That's what I like to hear. It's odd though, your coming in late. I know you're retired from the Air Force. What did they say if you came in late there?

'They said, 'Good morning, General.'

[ArtVandelay]

Why outsourcing of Mental Health Services might not be the best idea:



"Last night I was feeling really depressed, so I called Lifeline. I got a call center in Pakistan. I told them I was feeling suicidal. They got all excited and asked me if I could drive a truck."

[ArtVandelay]

Dear Employees:

It has been brought to management's attention that some individuals throughout the company have been using foul language during the course of normal conversation with their co-workers.

Due to complaints received from some employees who may be easily offended, this type of language will no longer be tolerated.

We do, however, realize the critical importance of being able to accurately express your feelings when communicating with co-workers.

Therefore, a list of 18 New and Innovative 'TRY SAYING' phrases that have been provided so that proper exchange of ideas and information can continue in an effective manner.

Number 1
TR Y SAYING: I think you could use more training.
INSTEAD OF: You don't know what the f___ you're doing.

Number 2
TRY SAYING: She's an aggressive go-getter.
INSTEAD OF : She's a f___ing bit__.

Number 3
TRY SAYING: Perhaps I can work late.
INSTEAD OF: And when the f___ do you expect me to do this?

Number 4
TRY SAYING: I'm certain that isn't feasible.
INSTEAD OF: No f___ing way.

Number 5
TRY SAYING: Really?
INSTEAD OF: You've got to be sh___ing me!

Number 6
TRY SAYING: Perhaps you should check with...
INSTEAD OF: Tell someone who gives a sh__.

Number 7
TRY SAYING: I wasn't involved in the project.
INSTEAD OF: It's not my f___ing problem.

Number 8
TRY SAYING: That's interesting.
INSTEAD OF: What the f___?

Number 9
TRY SAYING: I'm not sure this can be implemented.
INSTEAD OF: This sh__ won't work.

Number 10
TRY SAYING: I'll try to schedule tha t.
INSTEAD OF: Why the f___ didn't you tell me sooner?

Number 11
TRY SAYING: He's not familiar with the issues .
INSTEAD OF: He's got his head up his a__.

Number 12
TRY SAYING: Excuse me, sir?
INSTEAD OF: Eat sh__ and die.

Number 13
TRY SAYING: So you weren't happy with it?
INSTEAD OF: Kiss my a__.

Number 14
TRY SAYING: I'm a bit overloaded at the moment.
INSTEAD OF: F__ it, I'm on salary.

Number 15
TRY SAYING: I don't think you understand.
INSTEAD OF: Shove it up your a__.

Number 16
TRY SAYING: I love a challenge.
INSTEAD OF: This f___ing job sucks.

Number 17
TRY SAYING: You want me to take care of that?
INSTEAD OF: Who the f___ died and made you boss?

Number 18
TRY SAYING: He's somewhat insensitive.
INSTEAD OF: He's a pr_ck.

Thank You,
Human Resources

[ArtVandelay]

So there's a few to get you going. Now it's your turn. I'll post a few more from time to time, if I hear any good ones.

[The KingPin]

Those are great!!! Thank you very much.

I might add for any who may post jokes here... PLEASE keep it clean and un-offensive as this is a site view by youth bowlers and it is a family friendly bowling site.

Thank you Chris

[Baroncad]

Kevin,

You are now on my list of people I can't read while at work.

Sorry to upset you but it is rather odd to keep saying "I spilled a drink in my lap"

You have several good jokes, that had me rolling.

[The KingPin]

Kevin,

You are now on my list of people I can't read while at work.

Sorry to upset you but it is rather odd to keep saying "I spilled a drink in my lap"

You have several good jokes, that had me rolling.


I agree, that is why I keep all open beverages away at all times.

[ArtVandelay]

Kevin,

You are now on my list of people I can't read while at work.

Sorry to upset you but it is rather odd to keep saying "I spilled a drink in my lap"

You have several good jokes, that had me rolling.

Yeah.... And I've learned to keep windex near my computer as well, for the screen. That "spray effect" you always see on tv, can actually happen.




Those are great!!! Thank you very much.

I might add for any who may post jokes here... PLEASE keep it clean and un-offensive as this is a site view by youth bowlers and it is a family friendly bowling site.

Thank you Chris

I sort of figured that, so I tried to keep it clean enough. There were a couple that were borderline, but too good to pass up. Of course, if we started a dirty joke thread, I'd be the leading poster on the board!!! hahahahaha. But that's not the point...

I always find bowling league is much more enjoyable if you get to laugh a little, so a joke thread on a bowling forum just makes sense!

[ArtVandelay]

C'mon guys! hahahahahaha. it's a joke thread, I know you've got 'em! This is a bowling forum. What good is bowling in leagues and tourney's if you don't have a hilarious joke to tell your friends?


Why Did the Chicken Cross the Road?

BARACK OBAMA: The chicken crossed the road because it was time for a change! The chicken wanted change!

JOHN MC CAIN: My friends, that chicken crossed the road because he recognized the need to engage in cooperation and dialogue with all the chickens on the other side of the road...

SARAH PALIN: BECAUSE, PRAISE JESUS, I WAS GONNA SHOOT HIS SORRY LIBERAL ASS OFF FOR BLOCKING MY VIEW OF RUSSIA!

HILLARY CLINTON: When I was First Lady, I personally helped that little chicken to cross the road. This experience makes me uniquely qualified to ensure right from Day One that every chicken in this country gets the chance it deserves to cross the road. But then, this really isn't about me.

GEORGE W. BUSH: We don't really care why the chicken cross ed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road, or not. The chicken is either against us, or for us. There is no middle ground here.

DICK CHENEY: Where's my gun?

COLIN POWELL: Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road.

BILL CLINTON: I did not cross the road with that chicken. What is your definition of crossing?

AL GORE: I invented the chicken.

JOHN KERRY: Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now against it! It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled about the chicken's intentions. I am not for it now, and will remain against it.

AL SHARPTON: Why are all the chickens white? We need some black chickens.

DR. PHIL: The problem we have here is that this chicken won't realize that he must first deal with the problem on this side of the road before it goes after the problem on the other side of the road. What we need to do is help him realize how stupid he's acting by not taking on his current problems before
adding new problems.

ANDERSON COOPER, CNN: We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the road.

NANCY GRACE: That chicken crossed the road because he's guilty! You can see it in his eyes and the way he walks!

PAT BUCHANAN: To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American.

MARTHA STEWART: No one called me to warn me which way that chicken was going. I had a standing order at the Farmers Market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider information.

DR SEUSS: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I've not been told.

ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die in the rain, alone.

JERRY FALWELL: Because the chicken was gay! Can't you people see the plain truth? That's why they call it the other side. Yes, my friends, that chicken is gay. And if you eat that chicken, you will become
gay, too. I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the liberal media whitewashes with seemingly harmless phrases like the other side. That chicken should not be crossing a road. It's as plain and as simple as that.

GRANDPA: In my day we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough.

ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.

JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads together, in peace.

BILL GATES: I have just released eChicken2008, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook. Internet Explorer is an integral part of eChicken2008. This new platform is much more stable and will never crash.

ALBERT EINSTEIN: Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken?

COLONEL SANDERS: Did I miss one?

http://i69.photobucket.com/albums/i53/Bug_Nuts/art_chicken_dancing.gif http://i69.photobucket.com/albums/i53/Bug_Nuts/dancing_chicken.gif

[ArtVandelay]

A lonely widow, aged 70, decided that it was time to get married again. So she put an ad in the local newspaper that read:

WANTED: HUSBAND!

MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP (70's),
MUST NOT BEAT ME.
MUST NOT RUN AROUND ON ME,
AND MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED!

ALL APPLICANTS PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON.

On the second day she heard the doorbell. Much to her dismay,
she opened the door to see a grey-haired gentleman sitting in a wheel
chair. He had no arms or legs.

"You're not really asking me to consider you, are you?" the widow said. "Just look at you - you have no legs!"

The old gentleman smiled, "Therefore, I cannot run around on you!"

"You don't have any arms either!" she snorted.

Again, the old man smiled, "Therefore, I can never beat you!"

She raised an eyebrow and asked intently, "Are you still good in
bed??"

The old man leaned back, beamed a big smile and said, "I rang the
doorbell, didn't I?"

The wedding is scheduled for Saturday.

[ArtVandelay]

Here's a sign you can print and place on your bowling team's table, if anyone needs it:


http://i166.photobucket.com/albums/u97/kodiakbear_photos/fun%20stuff/stressred.gif

[ArtVandelay]

I live in Texas, so I'm allowed to post this. Sort of like, I'm Irish, so I can call myself a Mc.


40 Things you'll never hear a redneck say:

40. Oh I just couldn't. Hell, she's only sixteen.
39. I'll take Shakespeare for 1000, Alex.
38. Duct tape won't fix that.
37. Lisa Marie was lucky to catch Michael.
36. Come to think of it, I'll have a Heineken.
35. We don't keep firearms in this house.
34. Has anybody seen the sideburns trimmer?
33. You can't feed that to the dog.
32. I thought Graceland was tacky.
31. No kids in the back of the pick-up, it's just not safe.
30. Wrasslin's fake.
29. Honey, did you mail that donation to Greenpeace?
28. We're vegetarians.
27. Do you think my gut is too big?
26. I'll have grapefruit and grapes instead of biscuits and gravy.
25. Honey, we don't need another dog.
24. Who's Richard Petty?
23. Give me the small bag of pork rinds.
22. Too many deer heads detract from the decor.
21. Spittin is such a nasty habit.
20. I just couldn't find a thing at Wal-mart today.
19. Trim the fat off that steak.
18. Cappuccino tastes better than espresso.
17. The tires on that truck are too big.
16. I'll have the arugula and radicchio salad.
15. I've got it all on the C drive.
14. Unsweetened tea tastes better.
13. Would you like your salmon poached or broiled?
12. My fiance, Bobbie Jo, is registered at Tiffany's.
11. I've got two cases of Zima for the Super Bowl.
10. Little Debbie snack cakes have too many fat grams.
09. Checkmate.
08. She's too young to be wearing a bikini.
07. Does the salad bar have bean sprouts?
06. Hey, here's an episode of 'Hee Haw' that we haven't seen.
05. I don't have a favorite college team.
04. Be sure to bring my salad dressing on the side.
03. I believe you cooked those green beans too long.
02. Those shorts ought to be a little longer, Darla.
01. Nope, no more for me. I'm drivin' tonight.

[ArtVandelay]

Here's a Christmas one (tis the season, right?):




When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys
as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the Pre-Christmas pressure.Then
Mrs Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more.When
he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give
birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out, Heaven knows where.Then
when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked, the toy bag fell
to the ground and all the toys were scattered.Frustrated, Sant a went in the house
for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered
the elves had drank all the cider and hidden the rum. In his frustration, he accidentally
dropped the cider jug, and it broke into hundreds of little glass pieces all over
the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found the mice had eaten all the
straw off the end of the broom.Just then the doorbell rang, and irritated Santa
marched to the door, yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great
big Christmas tree. The angel said very cheerfully, 'Merry Christmas, Santa.
Isn't this a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like
me to put it?'

And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the
Christmas tree.

[ArtVandelay]

I'll leave this one to the mods to edit if they choose, but I don't think it's too harmful, and it's too funny to omit.


A teacher was doing a study testing the senses (taste) of first graders
using a bowl of lifesavers.

The children began to identify the flavors by their color:

Red......................Cherry
Yellow.................Lemon
Green..................Lime
Orange...............Orange

Finally the teacher gave them all HONEY lifesavers. After eating them,
none of the children could identify the taste.

'Well,' she said, 'I will give you all a clue. It's what your
mother may sometimes call your father.'

An innocent little girl spit out hers, and said, "Are they a$$ holes?"

[The KingPin]

I'll leave this one to the mods to edit if they choose, but I don't think it's too harmful, and it's too funny to omit.


A teacher was doing a study testing the senses (taste) of first graders
using a bowl of lifesavers.

The children began to identify the flavors by their color:

Red......................Cherry
Yellow.................Lemon
Green..................Lime
Orange...............Orange

Finally the teacher gave them all HONEY lifesavers. After eating them,
none of the children could identify the taste.

'Well,' she said, 'I will give you all a clue. It's what your
mother may sometimes call your father.'

An innocent little girl spit out hers, and said, "Are they a$$ holes?"




I think that Art should be the BowlingBoards.com Jester?? Any seconds???

[kev3inp]

Yep, I'll second him for that. I've heard most of them, but it's nice to have someone else write them up.

[ArtVandelay]

Gotta have jokes! And I'm honored to have started a thread that's now a sticky. hahahahaha.

[ArtVandelay]

Ah, it's Christmas time. Here's one of my favorite jokes. It reminds me of Christmas years ago, and I first heard it years ago, so you've probably heard it too:

There is a factory in Northern Minnesota which makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys. The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms.

Well, Lena was hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reported for her first day promptly at 8:00 am.

The next day at 8:45 am there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door. The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new
Employee.

He complained that she was incredibly slow and the whole line was backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule.

The Personnel Manager decided he should see this for himself, so the 2 men marched down to the factory floor. When they got there, the line was so backed up that there were Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory floor and they were really beginning to pile up.

At the end of the line stood Lena surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo's. She had a roll of plush Red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles.

The two men watched in amazement as she cut a little piece of fabric, wrapped it around two marbles and began to carefully sew the little package carefully between Elmo's legs.

The Personnel Manager burst into laughter. After several minutes of hysterics he pulled himself together and approached Lena .

"I'm sorry,' he said to her, barely able to keep a straight face, 'but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday..."

'Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles."

[ArtVandelay]

New Dog Breeds Recognized by AKC

The following new combination dog breeds are now recognized by the AKC:

Collie + Lhasa Apso
Collapso, a dog that folds up for easy transport

Spitz + Chow Chow
Spitz-Chow, a dog that throws up a lot

Pointer + Setter
Poinsetter, a traditional Christmas pet

Malamute + Pointer
Moot Point, owned by....oh, well, it doesn't matter anyway

Great Pyrenees + Dachshund
Pyradachs, a puzzling breed

Pekingnese + Lhasa Apso
Peekasso, an abstract dog

Irish Water Spaniel + English Springer Spaniel
Irish Springer, a dog fresh and clean as a whistle

Labrador Retriever + Curly Coated Retriever
Lab Coat Retriever, the choice of research scientists

Newfoundland + Basset Hound
Newfound Asset Hound, a dog for financial advisors

Terrier + Bulldog
Terribull, a dog that makes awful mistakes (and Charles BARKley's favorite word)

Bloodhound + Labrador
Blabador, a dog that barks incessantly

Collie + Malamute
Commute, a dog that travels to work

Deerhound + Terrier
Derriere, a dog that's true to the end

Bull Terrier + Shitzu
Bull..... Oh, never mind

[ThongPrincess]

Three older women are in a car driving down the freeway. The two women in the back are visibly shaken and keep telling the driver she is going too slow and is going to be pulled over. The driver tells them to settle down she knows what she is doing.

A CHP pulls up behind her and sure enough he puts his lights on and pulls her over. He walks up and asks if there is a problem. She tells him no and wants to know why she was pulled over. He tells her she was going too slow and was clocked at 15 mph. She says she was just going the speed limit. All the signs said 15. He tells her that is the Highway number not the speed limit.

He then notices the women in the back seat and asks if they are alright. She tells him not to worry give them a few minutes and they will be fine. They just got off the 110.

[kev3inp]

Ouch! It still hurts when I laugh too hard! :)

[ArtVandelay]

Here are some stats about the human body:


It takes your food seven seconds to get from your mouth to your stomach.

One human hair can support 3 kg (6 lb).

The average man’s penis is three times the length of his thumb.

Human thighbones are stronger than concrete.

A woman’s heart beats faster than a man’s.

There are about one trillion bacteria on each of your feet.

Women blink twice as often as men.

The average person’s skin weighs twice as much as the brain.

Your body uses 300 muscles to balance itself when you are standing still.

If saliva cannot dissolve something, you cannot taste it.



Women reading this will be finished now.


Men who read this are probably still busy checking their thumbs.